What are “finger nubbins”?
What some medical providers tell families
A perspective from adults with upper limb differences
A developmentally respectful approach
Addressing issues of appearance
When finger nubbins become a health or sensory issue
There is no single right answer
Learn more

What are “finger nubbins”?

Some children with congenital upper limb differences are born with small “finger nubbins.” These nubbins vary considerably from child to child. Some are tiny and soft, while others are more finger-like and may contain nerves or other tissue. They may appear near the end of a shortened limb or along an anatomically different hand or arm.

Because every limb difference is unique, it’s important to discuss your child’s specific anatomy with their medical team. Although conversations about finger nubbins may seem routine, the decision about whether to remove them can have lasting implications for your child’s future function.

Parents have shared their experiences with surgeons and medical professionals who recommended removing these finger nubbins. As a result, some parents express confusion about whether to keep or remove them, concerned that they might take away something important from their child.

Time, perspective, and lived experience are often missing from these conversations.

What some medical providers tell families

When children are young, discussions with medical providers may focus primarily on the hand’s or arm’s appearance. Families may hear that finger nubbins:

• Serve no functional purpose and may get in the way
• Could snag on clothing or objects
• May be fragile or fall off
• Can easily be removed, preferably when children are young

These recommendations are usually well-intentioned. Surgeons are typically trained to reduce risk, prevent complications, and sometimes “normalize” appearance. But making a hand or arm look “normal” isn’t the same as considering function, identity, or future use.

A perspective from adults with upper limb differences

Sometimes my nubbins get in the way, but mostly they’re useful. Kind of like an elbow. And like an elbow, they’re part of my body. I can’t quite imagine me without them.
— Adult with an upper limb difference

Adults born with finger nubbins sometimes share a very different perspective: that these small nubs of skin are very useful

• Assisting with fine motor tasks
• Helping secure hair ties
• Offering sensory feedback or grip
• Supporting crafts like crocheting, knitting, or sewing

Not every finger nubbin is functional. But many adults share that it’s not always obvious what will be useful until a person grows into their body. Once nubbins are gone, the option to use them in a creative way goes away.

And, equally importantly, many adults share that they like their nubbins. They may find them cute, or they may remind them that everyone is born different. Or, as for the adult quoted above, they may just feel like part of the body.

A developmentally respectful approach

Rather than framing this as a “right vs. wrong” decision, it may be more helpful to think in terms of timing and choice. When a nubbin is not medically dangerous, painful, or often injured, families may consider:

• Leaving it in place during early childhood
• Observing how (or if) the child uses it over time
• Revisiting the decision when the child is old enough to participate

These options may be preferable because function, creativity, and body awareness can evolve with age and some decisions benefit from patience.

A child who grows up with the ability to make choices about their body learns something powerful: my body is mine and my experiences matter.

Addressing issues of appearance

It’s also important to name the unspoken part of this conversation. Sometimes finger nubbins are removed because they don’t look “typical.”

For families raising a child with a limb difference, acceptance of physical differences is a process that evolves over time. There are emotional layers, and unlearning the idea that difference needs fixing may unfold over years.

Accepting a limb difference may also mean accepting the small, unexpected features that come with it. This may not be easy, and families deserve support, not judgment, as they navigate those feelings.

When finger nubbins become a health or sensory issue

Some families share a different experience, one that deserves equal consideration.

Infants and toddlers have strong oral motor needs and often explore their bodies with their mouths. In some children, this can mean chewing or biting on finger nubbins, leading to irritation, redness, or even bleeding. For families navigating repeated injury, infection risk, or difficulty keeping the area protected, this can become a genuine health concern, not a cosmetic one.

One potentially effective strategy is to cover the shortened arm or partial hand with a glove to reduce chewing.

If that doesn’t work and the child is at risk of or has sustained injury, choosing removal may be a thoughtful response to safety, comfort, and day-to-day well-being. This is an example of responsive decision-making in early development, rather than a failure to “wait it out.”

As with many aspects of raising a child with a limb difference, decisions around nubbins may be complicated. It’s important to explore why a choice is being made and recognize that different stages of development call for different considerations.

There is no single right answer

Some finger nubbins truly do cause problems and some families decide early removal is the best fit for their situation. In other families, the parents wait for their children to reach an age where they can choose for themselves. This is what happened for me, with my partial hand. When I reached my early twenties, I consulted with a hand surgeon, who removed a tiny nail that frequently caught on my clothing. It was my choice, and I asked no one’s permission. I have never regretted my decision. 

Some things that can be helpful for decision-making are:

• Being informed by lived experience, not just appearance
• Involving the child when age appropriate (this will differ from one child to another)
• Revisiting the issue as the child grows
• Focusing on the child’s long-term relationship with their body

Every child is different, and every family makes decisions based on their own experiences and priorities. If you’re navigating questions about congenital upper limb differences, I invite you to explore the additional resources on this website for practical guidance and lived perspectives from the limb difference community.

Learn more

👉 Check out the Free Handouts
👉 What Is Occupational Therapy?
👉 Parenting Series landing page
👉 Start Here: Resources for Families Raising Children with Upper Limb Differences
👉 Contact us for consultation services

© 2026. Laura Faye Clubok, MS, OTR/L, On The Other Hand Therapy. All rights reserved.

The post All About Finger Nubbins! appeared first on On The Other Hand.

Before your teen starts driving

Here are some important things to keep in mind:

1. Just because your teen has an upper limb difference or limb loss doesn’t mean they need adaptive equipment. Some people drive without adaptations, while others find equipment or other strategies helpful.
   
2. Your teen should have a voice in the process. Safety and function are important. So are comfort, convenience, confidence, and how your teen feels about using a particular device.
   
3. Pay attention to what happens during early practice. Parent-supervised driving can give you useful information about what your teen can do, where they may have difficulty, and whether fatigue or awkward movement patterns show up.
   
4. A recommendation is worth investigating. If a driving instructor, school, or other professional says your teen needs a particular adaptation, find out why. Is it required by the licensing agency? Is the instructor recommending it based on an observation? Or are they simply unfamiliar with your teen’s abilities?
   
5. Consider an evaluation before buying equipment or making licensing decisions. A qualified driver rehabilitation professional can help determine what your teen actually needs and how different equipment may assist them.
   
6. Think beyond the first road test. Adaptive equipment, license restrictions, vehicle changes, moving to another state, renting a car, college, fatigue, and long-term comfort also can be important factors.

Want to know know more?

For many families raising teens with an upper limb difference or limb loss, learning to drive can bring both excitement and anxiety. Driving represents independence, adulthood, and freedom, but the process can become confusing when disability enters the picture.

There is no single, standardized experience for learning to drive with an upper limb difference or limb loss. Driving instructors, adaptive driving programs, and Bureau of Motor Vehicles (BMV) staff may approach disability differently, sometimes even within the same state.

This post is designed to help families recognize the difference between a recommendation and a requirement. It also can be helpful to know what questions to ask before making decisions that could affect a teen’s driving experience or future licensing options.

Upper limb differences and driving: the big picture
Include your teen in the decision-making process
Start with the permit and supervised practice
The vehicle matters
Finding a driving school and instructor
Know that disability rights may apply
Adaptive driving equipment: helpful tool when it’s actually needed
Adaptive equipment and license restrictions
When should you consider a driving evaluation?
Thinking beyond whether an adaptive device works
State laws vary — sometimes significantly
Frequently asked questions
Where to find more information
Have you been through this process?
Explore more resources

Upper limb differences and driving: the big picture

Upper limb differences and limb loss vary widely. A driver may have a unilateral or bilateral limb difference, a difference involving the hand, forearm, or upper arm, or may use a prosthesis. The strategies and equipment that work for one driver may not be appropriate for another.

The important question is not simply what type of limb difference someone has, but how that person’s abilities, strategies, equipment, and vehicle interact. These factors include:

• Which limb is affected (right, left, bilateral)
• Level of limb difference/limb loss
• Range of motion, strength, and endurance
• Compensation patterns already in use
• The type of vehicle
• Whether adaptive equipment is used

Include your teen in the decision-making process

Your teen should have a meaningful role in decisions about how they learn to drive and whether they use adaptive equipment.

Ask your teen what feels comfortable, what they notice in their body while driving, and what they think about the various options. If someone recommends an adaptation, give your teen opportunities to understand and practice with it before making decisions about equipment or licensing.

A device may be functionally helpful but also still raise questions for a teenager about appearance, attention from peers, convenience, or whether they want to use it every time they drive. These concerns deserve to be part of the conversation.

The driver’s experience of using the equipment is as important as safety concerns. The goal is to find a driving approach that is safe, functional, comfortable, and acceptable to the person who will actually be behind the wheel.

Start with the permit and supervised practice

For many teens, the first driving experiences happen with a parent or other supervising adult before formal driving instruction begins. This can be an important opportunity to observe what your teen can do without adaptive equipment.

Pay attention to their abilities to:

• Steer
• Turn
• Signal
• Start and stop
• Park
• Manipulate other vehicle controls

Concerns about safety, comfort, fatigue, or the amount of compensation required may be good reasons to seek a professional driving evaluation rather than simply adding equipment.

Early practice can provide useful information. It does not have to be a commitment to a particular driving strategy.

The vehicle matters

A driving strategy that works in one vehicle may not work in another. Consider whether your teen will learn in the family vehicle, a driving school’s vehicle, or a vehicle they may eventually own. A strategy that works in a driving school’s vehicle may not transfer directly to the family car or a future vehicle.

Features worth considering include transmission type, turn-signal placement, start/stop systems, parking brake, seat and mirror adjustments, seat belt operation, steering wheel design, the location of other controls, and backup camera and safety features.

Finding a driving school and instructor

Families sometimes expect the most difficult part of learning to drive to be the licensing test. In reality, dealing with a driving instructor or school that is unfamiliar with upper limb differences may have a bigger impact on your teen’s experience than the licensing test itself.

Your teen should be treated as the driver, not as a problem to be solved. An instructor should not assume what your teen can or cannot do.

Look for an instructor who is willing to:

• Ask your teen how they already do things before suggesting a different approach
• Give them an opportunity to demonstrate their abilities
• Talk directly with your teen rather than directing every question to the parent
• Focus on learning to drive rather than repeatedly drawing attention to the limb difference
• Be willing to adapt instruction when needed without making the teen feel singled out
• Recognize that there may be more than one safe way to operate the vehicle

Your teen should also feel comfortable speaking up if something is uncomfortable, confusing, or not working. A good driving instructor should be part of the learning process, not another barrier your teen has to navigate.

If an instructor seems unwilling to learn about your teen’s abilities, repeatedly assumes they cannot perform a task, or makes your teen uncomfortable about their limb difference, it may be worth looking for a different instructor or school.

Know that disability rights may apply

Private driving schools are generally subject to the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), although exactly what a school must provide depends on the circumstances. The ADA prohibits discrimination on the basis of disability and may require reasonable modifications or auxiliary aids and services when necessary, subject to applicable limitations. (See U.S. vs. Wold Driving School)

If a driving school tells you that your teen cannot participate, must use a particular adaptation, or must pay additional costs because of their disability, ask the school to explain the basis for that requirement. You may also want to contact an appropriate disability-rights organization or legal resource for guidance specific to your situation and state.

Adaptive driving equipment: helpful tool when it’s actually needed

Adaptive equipment, such as steering knobs or modified controls, can be very useful useful, protective, and sometimes essential for a driver. However, adaptive devices should be introduced intentionally rather than automatically. The question is what this particular driver needs to operate this particular vehicle safely and effectively. The goal is to make informed choices that support safety, comfort, and long-term independence.

A recommendation for adaptive equipment should be based on the driver’s abilities and needs, not simply on the presence of a limb difference.

If a driving school tells you that your teen must use a particular device or work with a specialized instructor, ask:

• What requirement or assessment are they basing that recommendation on?
• Has the teen been observed driving without it?
• Is the equipment required by state licensing rules, or is it a recommendation from the instructor or driving school?
• Is a specialized driver rehabilitation evaluation recommended?
• Could using the equipment during the licensing process result in a restriction?
• If so, what exactly would that restriction require?

Families do not have to accept the first recommendation they’re given, even from a driving instructor. Some recommendations are well-founded. The goal is to understand the reason.

Adaptive equipment and license restrictions

In particular, steering knobs can be very helpful for some drivers, but they are not necessary for every person with an upper limb difference.

One important consideration is what happens when adaptive equipment is used during the licensing process. Depending on the state and the circumstances of the evaluation, equipment used during a driving test may be reflected as a restriction on the driver’s license.

Important questions to ask before using adaptive equipment during a driving test:

• If my teen uses this device during the road test, will it be documented as a license restriction? If so, what exactly will the restriction say?
• Would my teen be permitted to drive a vehicle without an adaptive device?
• What would be required to remove or change the restriction in the future?
• Who makes that determination?

A family should understand the licensing implications before introducing equipment specifically for the purpose of passing the road test.

Before scheduling a driving test, families should consider contacting someone knowledgeable at their local BMV or Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV), ideally someone who works with medical reviews or adaptive driving cases.

Having these conversations ahead of time can prevent surprises and give families more control over the decision-making process.

When should you consider a driving evaluation?

A driving evaluation can be helpful when there are questions about whether adaptive equipment is needed, which equipment would be appropriate, or how a driver’s physical abilities interact with a particular vehicle.

A driver rehabilitation specialist can provide a more comprehensive assessment when there are questions about whether adaptive equipment is needed. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) notes that these specialists evaluate factors such as strength, range of motion, coordination, reaction time, judgment, and the ability to drive with adaptive equipment. They also can make recommendations about equipment and restrictions.

For a comprehensive driving evaluation, families may want to look for a Certified Driver Rehabilitation Specialist (CDRS®) or another appropriately qualified professional with experience evaluating drivers with upper limb differences. The Association for Driver Rehabilitation Specialists (ADED) also offers a Driver Rehabilitation Professional (DRP) microcredential for providers of basic and low-tech driver rehabilitation services.

A comprehensive evaluation may include clinical and on-road assessment of strength, range of motion, coordination, reaction time, vision, judgment, vehicle controls, and the ability to operate the vehicle safely with or without adaptive equipment.

When contacting a program, ask:

• What credentials does the evaluator hold?
• What does the evaluation include?
• Will the evaluation be conducted in the vehicle my teen will actually drive?
• Is a physician referral required?
• Does insurance cover any portion of the evaluation?
• What is the expected wait time?

Thinking beyond whether an adaptive device works

A driving strategy can be functional and still become uncomfortable or fatiguing over time.

Families and teens should pay attention to shoulder, neck, arm, or trunk discomfort; fatigue during longer periods of driving; and whether a particular hand position requires sustained effort or awkward positioning.

These factors can be especially important when a teen is considering equipment they may use for years. A driver rehabilitation evaluation can help identify whether a particular adaptation supports efficient, sustainable vehicle operation rather than simply making the task possible.

State laws vary — sometimes significantly

Driving regulations related to adaptive equipment are state-specific. Some states have medical review processes or require additional documentation when a driver has a disability. Requirements can also differ depending on how equipment is used during the licensing process. Check your state’s official licensing agency for current requirements.

Historically, steering knobs were often restricted to drivers with documented disabilities. Today, in some states, any driver may legally use a spinner knob, regardless of disability status. However, some states still have specific requirements, and others allow them broadly but attach conditions when they’re used during a licensing exam. A restriction may mean that the driver is required to use that equipment when driving. The process for changing or removing a restriction also varies by state.

This is one reason families should find out what their state’s rules are before deciding what equipment to use during a road test.

Some states have medical review processes or require additional documentation when a driver has a medical condition or disability. Requirements vary, so families should ask their state licensing agency what documentation, if any, will be required.

This is why it’s so important not to rely solely on what one instructor, therapist, or examiner says, but to look up the laws in your state.

Keep copies of relevant evaluations, recommendations, license documentation, and equipment information. Your teen may eventually move for college, purchase a different vehicle, or rent a car while traveling, and licensing requirements or equipment needs may change.

Frequently asked questions

Do you have to use a steering knob if you have an upper limb difference or limb loss?
No. Some drivers with upper limb differences use steering knobs, while others drive safely without them. Whether a steering knob is required, recommended, or results in a license restriction depends on the driver’s needs and the rules and procedures in their state.

What steering knobs do you recommend?
There are many different steering knob designs, and the best choice depends on the person’s vehicle, steering method, hand function, ease of use, installation, and other factors. I don’t recommend choosing a device based solely on an online product description.

When there is uncertainty about whether a steering device is needed or which type would be appropriate, a driver rehabilitation specialist can help evaluate the driver’s needs and recommend appropriate equipment

If I have a steering knob license restriction, can I install one in a rental car?
Rental-car policies regarding adaptive equipment can vary. Before traveling, it’s important to contact the rental company directly and ask whether they permit customer-installed equipment, whether they offer adaptive equipment, and whether there are vehicle-specific requirements. Never assume that a device can be safely or appropriately installed on every steering wheel.

Where to find more information

Association for Driver Rehabilitation Specialists (ADED)

Find information about driver rehabilitation and search for providers, including CDRS® professionals. ADED identifies CDRS® as its highest credential for the field.

National Mobility Equipment Dealers Association (NMEDA)

NMEDA provides consumer resources, equipment information, and a locator for accredited mobility equipment dealers.

National Highway Traffic Safety Administration: Adapted Vehicles

The NHTSA website covers adaptive equipment, licensing, evaluation, vehicle modification, training, and finding qualified professionals.

State licensing information

Find your state’s official driver licensing agency through the USA.gov site above or the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration (FMCSA) and look for information about medical review, adaptive equipment, license restrictions, and driving tests.

Have you been through this process?

I’m interested in hearing from teens and adults with upper limb differences, as well as parents who have helped their children learn to drive. You can contact me here. Here are some of my questions about your experiences:

• What did your driving instructor understand well?
• Where did you encounter confusion or unnecessary barriers?
• Were you encouraged to use adaptive equipment that you didn’t actually need?
• Did you encounter unexpected costs or requirements?

Experiences vary by state and individual circumstances, so please include your state and, if you’re comfortable sharing, whether the experience involved a standard driving school, an adaptive driving program, or a driver rehabilitation specialist.

Disclaimer

This is general education, not medical or legal advice. Rules and regulations change, so make sure to verify any information that affects you or your family.

Explore more resources

👉 Check out the Free Handouts
👉 Learn about Seeing the whole child with a limb difference: celebrating strengths & supporting struggles
👉 Read Winter Care for Partial Arms and Hands: Skin, Circulation, and Warmth

© 2026. Laura Faye Clubok, MS, OTR/L, On The Other Hand Therapy. All rights reserved.

The post Driving With an Upper Limb Difference: What Families and Teens Need to Know appeared first on On The Other Hand.

This post is the final in a series that applies the genius empathetic parenting strategy of asking your child when they feel sad, “Do you want to be hugged, heard, or helped?” from Jancee Dunn’s NYTimes column When Someone You Love Is Upset, Ask This One Question, published 4/7/2023.“ In the previous post, we addressed what to say to your child when they choose “helped” and you suspect that their sadness about their limb difference stems from a social-emotional trigger. In this post, we discuss sadness related to physical challenges they may face having a limb difference. Here we explore how to respond when there are activities that they:

• Want to be able to do
• Want to be able to do better
• Want to be able to do more easily
• Want to be able to do with less discomfort or pain

We examine what solutions may address the physical challenges they may be experiencing:

Adaptive Devices
Home Adaptations
Prosthetics & Activity-Specific Devices
School Accommodations
Adaptive Technology
Specialists who can Help Navigate Solutions
Read More in This Series

Adaptive Devices

Devices can help with daily activities, reduce strain, and encourage balanced body development. For example, straps that help with grasp, and adaptive kitchen gadgets. Accessible clothing options include elastic laces, magnetic buttons, slip on shoes, and velcro closures. Check the resources page for suggestions for adaptive aides, clothing options, and cooking gadgets.

Home Adaptations

If you can normalize their use throughout your home, your child may feel less singled out as needing help. An example is replacing round knobs with lever handles for doors and faucets, which are easier to grip, are easier to turn, and often assist both the limb different side(s) and the dominant side.

Prosthetics & Activity Specific Devices

Children with upper limb differences often reject general prosthetics. Children often find activity specific devices work better. For example: devices for hobbies, leisure, or sports (e.g. biking, cooking, doing yoga, etc.).

School Accommodations

There are two basic ways that children with disabilities can be eligible for accommodations or services.

• IEP: An Individualized Educational Plan is for children whose limb difference impact their educational progress, which in some cases can be difficult to demonstrate. Under an IEP, the child receives services to improve their skills and they also may receive accommodations. It is important to note that many services, such as school-based occupational therapy, are considered “related” services, meaning that the child must first demonstrate that their disability adversely impacts their educational progress.
• A 504 plan is used when a student doesn’t need or qualify for direct services and the child receives accommodations only.

Adaptive Technology

Adaptive technology options can help children with upper limb differences increase their typing speed, enable/encourage use of limb different side(s), minimize strain on the side used most, and reduce the long term risk of overuse syndrome. Many good options exist, such as: ergonomic mice, smaller keyboards, voice to text, adaptive computer accessories, one-handed keyboard layouts, and word prediction software. Learn more about adaptive technology options for children with upper limb differences.

Specialists who can help navigate solutions

There are a variety of specialists who have expertise that can help you and your child make informed choices. Here are some good options:

• Occupational Therapists
• Physical Therapist
• Prosthetists
• Educational Advocates
• Assistive Technology Lending Libraries and Librarians

Read the other posts in this series:

• When your child realizes they have a limb difference
• Preparing yourself for when your child feels SAD about their limb difference
• What NOT to say when your child feel SAD about their limb difference
• What to say & do when your child feels sad about their limb difference
• When social-emotional issues cause SADNESS for your child

© 2026. Laura Faye Clubok, MS, OTR/L, On The Other Hand Therapy. All rights reserved.

The post When physical issues cause SADNESS for your child appeared first on On The Other Hand.

In this post, we delve into potential social-emotional causes of your child’s sadness about their upper limb difference. If you haven’t read the previous posts in this series about responding to your child when they are sad about their difference, you can access them below.

• self-awareness
• self-concept
• community connections
• peer interactions
• self-advocacy
• problem-solving
• mental health support
  Read more in this series

Here we continue with the genius empathetic parenting strategy of asking your child: “Do you want to be hugged, heard, or helped?” from Jancee Dunn’s NYTimes column When Someone You Love Is Upset, Ask This One Question, published 4/7/2023. We explore how to respond to your child when they choose “helped.” If you have determined that your child’s sadness mostly about physical issues, stay tuned for the next post!

Before you Respond

A reminder to stop, breathe, and take a moment before responding to your child’s expression of sadness. For us as parents, seeing our children feel sad can be very painful. We typically want to fix it and make it all better, sometimes by putting a positive spin on the situation. In order to truly listen to our children and offer them empathy, we often need first to give ourselves empathy by acknowledging our own feelings, recognizing that it hard for us as parents to hear when our children feel sad. It also can be helpful to take perspective: it’s 100% normal for your child to feel this way.

Self Awareness

If your child’s sadness is about the fact that they were born with or acquired a limb difference, you can straightforwardly ask your child: “do you have questions about your limb difference?” Explaining with facts can be helpful:

• if congenital, explain that their limb didn’t grow before birth
• if acquired (the result of an accident/medical condition), use child-friendly words to convey what happened

Self-Concept

If your child asks the “why” question – “why” this limb difference happened to them – it’s ok to say that you don’t know why they were born this way or had an accident. Many people of faith tell their children “this is how God made you.” 

Community Connections

Role models are important for everyone, even more so for those of us who don’t regularly see others with differences like ours. One of the most incredible and impactful developments of the past decades is the proliferation of ways to connect with the limb difference and limb loss community, whether through social media, camps and family weekends, children’s picture books, podcasts, etc. Depending on your child’s limb difference, finding a child or adult with your child’s exact or a similar difference could potentially be challenging. But there are many thousands of individuals across the globe living with limb difference and limb loss. Ask your child:

• “Would you like to meet other people like you?” 
• “What would you talk about with someone with an arm/leg like yours?”
• “What would you want to do with them?”

Peer Interactions: choosing wisely

As parents, we understandably want our (all of our) children to be surrounded by the love and kindness that we give them and that they both need and deserve to flourish. We also understandably may be terrified that they will be bullied or targeted because of their limb difference, which they obviously did nothing to deserve nor chose. In fact, the number one question of parents of children with limb differences at the various community events I have attended over many years concerns how to protect them from bullying and meanness.

It’s important to teach our children to choose the people whom they like, with whom they click, who are kind, and who make them feel good about themselves. Of course, not everyone is going to be friends with your child. It can be tricky to share this fact, but this is true regardless of having a limb difference or being limb typical. Reminding them that there are many reasons children become friends can be helpful, such as shared interests, similar perspectives or values, or compatible personality traits. It also can be beneficial to share that if they do not develop a close connection with a peer, it may have nothing to do with their difference.

Sometimes children seek acceptance from peers who are unkind and unwelcoming. As a parent, you can steer your child towards making good friends by telling them about the dynamics you have observed in their interactions. For example, you might share that while you have noticed that Peter frequently has said unkind words about their difference, you have heard their friend Jenny being kind to them on several occasions.

Finally, it is important to be mindful of how welcomed your child feels in various environments, such as school, extracurriculars, religious settings, or gatherings with extended family. While you certainly don’t want to cater everything to your child all the time (and nor would it be good for them if you were to do that!), getting a sense of whether particular environments or teams are welcoming vs. unwelcoming or value inclusivity vs. do not value inclusivity is important.

Self-Advocacy

As parents and caregivers, we can help our children choose and identify healthy outlets for their feelings. You can ask your child: “what makes you feel better when you’re sad?” Some children color, cook, dance, draw, jump, make videos, role play, run, see a friend, take photos, write stories, etc.

You may also ask them: “Is there something else you can do to help yourself?” or “Is there something else someone could help you with?”

Problem-Solving

After they have identified what they or someone else might do to help them with the current situation, you can encourage agency by asking your child: “What do you want to do next? Do you want to pursue one of the options you brainstormed?” Problem-solving and self-advocacy are key life skills! Your ongoing support can empower your child to pursue what they need.

Mental Health Support

Sometimes our children need outside help and support from a qualified mental health professional. It is not a reflection on your parenting or your relationship with your child if they reach a time or point when they feel more comfortable talking with an outside provider. You can ask your child if it might be helpful for them to talk about what they’re going through with someone who has special training. The easiest place to start might be your child’s school, as many schools have a counselor. But if you have health insurance that covers counseling, that also might be a good option, as it may provide more privacy for your child.

Read the other posts in this series:

• When your child realizes they have a limb difference
• Preparing yourself for when your child feels SAD about their limb difference
• What NOT to say when your child feel SAD about their limb difference
• What to say & do when your child feels sad about their limb difference
• When physical issues cause SADNESS for your child

©2024. Laura Faye Clubok, MS, OTR/L, On The Other Hand Therapy

The post When social-emotional issues cause SADNESS for your child appeared first on On The Other Hand.

Empathic parenting: a best practice
Helped, heard or hugged?
Before you respond
When you respond: offer choices
When they choose HUGGED
When they choose HEARD
When they choose HELPED
Offer a wide welcome for feelings
Read more

Empathic parenting: a best practice

Over the 25 years that I have been working with children as an occupational therapist and the 21 years that I’ve been raising my two children, I’ve read dozens of parenting books, looking for approaches and strategies that would support children’s emotional intelligence. Incorporating the use of empathy by far has had the most profound effect on my clients’s and my own family’s emotional health and well-being. While it’s challenging for researchers to study parenting strategies, in my personal and professional opinion, using empathy in raising children is a “best practice.” 

After implementing these concepts and practices in my own life and teaching them for many years to the parents of my pediatric clients, I have started to apply them to raising children with limb differences. As a child growing up with a hand difference, here are the empathetic practices and approaches that would have nurtured me when I was sad about my difference as a young one.

Helped, heard or hugged?

When we respond to our children when they feel sad with empathy, love, presence, and warmth, they get to feel seen and heard. This strategy isn’t mine – Jancee Dunn wrote in a NYTimes column (dated 4/23) about this genius empathetic parenting strategy of asking your child: “Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?”

Before you respond

If possible, take a moment to pause and breathe. Is seeing your child sad painful? Do you want to make it all better? Give yourself empathy: acknowledge your own feelings, recognize that this is hard for you too. It also may help to take perspective; it’s 100% normal for your child to feel sad about their difference.

Consider what would be best for your child in this moment. Offer simple choices to your young child or guess what you think they need/want. Ask your older talking child their preferences, offering empathy, love, presence, and warmth.

When you respond: offer choices

Ask your child, “What would you like first? Do you want to be HELPED, HEARD, or HUGGED?” These work in any order. It’s ok if you have time for just one or two. We will delve into these in reverse order.

When they choose HUGGED

Use physical connection:

• get close to your child
• sit your child on your lap
• hold their different limb
• encourage them to snuggle a favorite doll or stuffed animal
• if time allows, savor this precious moment of connection

If you have time, you can offer choice again: “Would you like to be heard or helped?”

When they choose HEARD

Invite communication:

• Be fully present
  • Put down your phone & step away from distractions
  • Physically get down to their eye level
• Respond with gentle acknowledgement
  • say: “mmm” or “oh sweetie”
  • nod your head” 

Invite their feelings:

• Thank them for sharing
  • “I’m so happy you told me how you feel”
• Use “feelings & needs” cards: this is a tool to help children identify how they feel & what they want. Ideally introduce these in advance. You can make or buy a set.
  
  

Demonstrate you understand:

• Use reflective listening
  • “I hear you say that you feel mad & don’t want help”
• Empathize: “of course …”
  • “of course you want to open the jar” 
• Offer an impossible wish
  • “Do you wish you could use your light saber to …” 

When they choose HELPED

Analyze the Situation 

Is your child’s sadness mostly about social-emotional or physical issues related to their upper limb difference?

Social-emotional issues could be about:

• self-awareness
• self-concept
• community connections
• peer interactions
• self-advocacy & problem-solving
• mental health concerns

Physical issues could be about a physical aspect your child might want help with. Are there activities that they:

• Want to be able to do
• Want to be able to do better
• Want to be able to do more easily
• Want to be able to do with less discomfort or pain

Solutions may include:

• adaptive devices
• home adaptations
• prosthetics
• school accommodations
• technology

We will delve into greater detail about these social-emotional or physical issues related to their upper limb difference in another post.

Offer a wide welcome for feelings

Allow whatever feelings arise for your child and offer them accompaniment as they feel. Offering a wide welcome to feel whatever they feel and accompanying them fully with your presence shows you accept them FULLY – not just when they’re happy. It also helps them manage “big feelings” when you’re not there.

Read the other posts in this series:

• When your child realizes they have a limb difference
• Preparing yourself for when your child feels SAD about their limb difference
• What NOT to say when your child feel SAD about their limb difference

© 2026. Laura Faye Clubok, MS, OTR/L, On The Other Hand Therapy. All rights reserved.

The post What to say & do when your child feels SAD about their limb difference appeared first on On The Other Hand.

Complete the form below to download a free printable copy of What NOT to say when your child is sad about their limb difference

Name *

First

Last

Email *

By providing your email address, you agree to receive occasional email correspondence from On The Other Hand. Don’t worry: we will never share your email with any other entity and we will never spam you!

Download the free handout!

Parental conditioning

Many of us were conditioned to respond to children in ways that aren’t the best for them. Some of the following responses are less helpful in the moment than using reflective listening and offering empathy. Many of us heard these from our families of origin. Knowing why they can be harmful can empower us.

When children feel sad, it’s common to misuse these “strategies” as an intial response

Avoid dismissing & minimizing

Telling them NOT to feel how they feel is harmful – not helpful. For example: don’t feel sad” – “you can’t be angry!” Even if you don’t mean to, dismissing/minimizing teaches that you are uncomfortable when they have “big feelings” and that “big feelings” are too scary, so best to avoid them.

Avoid fixing, rescuing, & giving advice

Trying to “make it all better” is harmful – not helpful. These “strategies” teach kids that solving a “problem” is more important than taking time to express feelings. Here are some examples:
“But you are beautiful!”
“Icecream will make you feel better!”
“Just do this next time”

Avoid “you’re so strong!”

Telling kids “you’re so strong” doesn’t make them strong, such as: “You’ve got this – you are so strong!”
“You’re strong” teaches kids that their feelings are invalid (because if they were truly “strong,” they wouldn’t feel this way)

Avoid unreasonable expectations

Telling them they can do everything is harmful, for example: “You can do anything if you try hard enough”
This is because everyone has limits. “You can do everything” teaches them that their limits are their “fault”; parents usually don’t expect “typical” kids to do everything.

Avoid toxic positivity

This isn’t the time to say how great their difference is, such as: “Your nubby is so great: think of all the things you can do with it!” Toxic positivity teaches kids not to share because others will think they are complaining that people don’t want to hear when things are hard.

Avoid cliches & platitudes

Simplistic responses shut down conversations. For example, “Your difference is what makes you amazing” Cliches and platitudes may be comforting to parents, but may invalidate your child’s feelings.

Complete the form below to download a free printable copy of What NOT to say when your child is sad about their limb difference

Name *

First

Last

Email *

By providing your email address, you agree to receive occasional email correspondence from On The Other Hand. Don’t worry: we will never share your email with any other entity and we will never spam you!

Download the free handout!

Read the other posts in this series:

👉 When your child realizes they have a limb difference
👉 Preparing yourself for when your child feels SAD about their limb difference
👉 What to say & do when your child feels sad about their limb difference

© 2026. Laura Faye Clubok, MS, OTR/L, On The Other Hand Therapy. All rights reserved.

The post What NOT to say when your child feels SAD about their limb difference appeared first on On The Other Hand.

Background

On social media, parents often share about the hard moments when their children feel sadness about their limb difference for the first time. Before offering suggestions for supporting children during these difficult moments, I wanted to examine this situation from the parents’ perspective. All children experience sadness about aspects of their life. Is sadness about having a limb difference different from other kinds of sadness? What is it like for parents to hear that their child feels sad about their limb difference? What kinds of support do parents need so that they can meet their children where they are? In delving into sensitive subjects like this, I hope that these posts, even though they can be tough to read, enable parents to gain perspective on important aspects of raising a child with a limb difference that aren’t always addressed.

Planning ahead so you can respond in a positive way

At some point your child will feel sad about their limb difference. It can be hard to prepare yourself for this moment, but planning ahead can help you to respond in a positive way. You may feel a full range of emotions: anger, anxiety, calm, fear, grief, guilt, regret, sadness, or overwhelm.

It’s totally normal to feel conflicted

On the one hand (nub?), it may feel like a big deal to hear that your child feels sad about their difference. It also can be painful. On the other hand (nub?), you may feel like you’re making a fuss over nothing. Many parents go through this, so what’s the big deal?

Anticipating the moment that your child feels sad

Everyone is different, so however it is for YOU is OK. There’s no one “right” way to handle this. Can you allow yourself to feel however you feel? It might vary from seeming like a big deal to not a big deal. Can you give yourself empathy? Ask yourself what your closest friend would say to you. How would they offer you unconditional love and support? Speak to yourself the way your closest friend would, or better yet, can you call that friend now?

In the actual moment that your child feels sad

It may be hard to separate your feelings from your child’s. Being aware of this may help you avoid projecting your feelings onto your child, notice if you’re being hard on yourself, and listen to your child tell you what they’re feeling.

What else might you need?

Perhaps permission to do something later for YOURSELF? Here are some possible needs, even if you have to schedule self care time:

• To express: cry, journal, laugh, reach out for support, or scream
• To create: build, cook, craft, weld
• To move: dance, run, walk, do yoga
  

Download the free handout

Complete the form below to download a free printable copy of Preparing yourself for when your child feels SAD about their limb difference

Name *

First

Last

Email *

By providing your email address, you agree to receive occasional email correspondence from On The Other Hand. Don’t worry: we will never share your email with any other entity and we will never spam you!

Download the free handout!

Read more

Read the other posts in this series:

👉 When your child realizes they have a limb difference
👉 What NOT to say when your child feels SAD about their limb difference
👉 What to say & do when your child feels sad about their limb difference

© 2026. Laura Faye Clubok, MS, OTR/L, On The Other Hand Therapy

The post Preparing yourself for when your child feels SAD about their limb difference appeared first on On The Other Hand.

What parents often ask me
By the time your child is a toddler
Before they are able to talk
How you can help
What to avoid 
What will they say when they can talk? 
Be ready to hear about their pain
Important takeaways
Quick Links
Download the free handout
Read more

Download a free printable copy of the What to do when your child realizes they have a limb difference!

Name *

First

Last

Name Email

Email *

By providing your email address, you agree to receive occasional email correspondence from On The Other Hand. Don’t worry: we will never share your email with any other entity and we will never spam you!

Download the free handout!

What parents often ask me

Parents often ask two things:

• What do I wish my parents had known when I was a child?
• How has my thinking changed over the years?

They also want to know how to support their children with differences. I’m here to help answer those questions.

By the time your child is a toddler

Most toddlers with limb differences already know something is different about them. They’ve noticed how people respond to them, and they’ve heard how you talk about their difference. Many families use a nickname like “lucky fin,” “nubby,” or “small hand.” Others may have asked your child, “What happened to their hand/arm/foot/leg?”

Before they are able to talk

Your child is listening. They understand more than just words. They pick up on tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. They may feel both good and hard emotions about their difference, even if they can’t say it yet. They might show frustration or sadness through behavior or body language.

How you can help

You can help your child feel seen, safe, and loved. Try these ideas:

• Use simple language to name feelings. When your child is crying, say something like:
  “Oh sweetie, I see you’re crying. Would you like a hug?”
• Talk about their limb difference in a positive way—especially in front of others.
• Stand up for your child. Don’t let others decide what your child can or can’t do, whether your child is present or not.

Reading picture books that include characters with limb differences can also help. These stories remind your child they’re not alone—and that they can do what matters to them. You can find book suggestions here.

You may also want to connect with support groups or attend family events. These spaces let children meet others like them and build confidence. Check out Resources for ideas.

What to avoid 

Your child should not have to prove themselves to anyone. Statements like:
“Bet they didn’t think you could do that!”
can make your child feel like they have to earn approval from others. Children thrive when they feel proud of what they do—not just when they impress someone else.

What will they say when they can talk? 

Parents are often surprised by the things young children say. Some children proudly explain:
“I do that with nub!”

Others may repeat something they’ve heard:
“Nubby looks funny.”

They may express love, sadness, confusion—or all of these.
“Me love lucky fin!”
“I sad—no foot, just nubby.”

Be ready to hear about their pain

It can be painful to hear your child express sadness or frustration. But these feelings are normal. Your child is learning to understand their body and identity.

You can prepare by practicing responses with a partner, friend, or therapist. That way, when your child says something hard, you feel less caught off guard.

Some real examples from parents:

• “Why I have to be born like this?”
• “Will my hands/feet be big when I’m 5?”

Important takeaways

• By toddlerhood, most children already notice they are different
• Even before talking, they understand a lot through tone, body language, and experience
• Talk positively about their difference and name emotions when you see them
• Stand up for your child’s abilities—don’t let others decide what they can or can’t do
• Picture books and community events help children feel seen and connected
• Avoid language that makes your child feel like they need to “prove” themselves
• Be ready for your child to say both sweet and hard things
• Practice ahead of time so you can respond with love and confidence

Quick Links

👉 Read blog post Choosing High Quality Picture Books for Your Child with a limb difference
👉 Check Resources for dolls you can customize to have a limb difference like your child’s and for organizations that host events where your child can connect with others like them

Download a free printable copy of the What to do when your child realizes they have a limb difference!

Name *

First

Last

Email Name

Email *

By providing your email address, you agree to receive occasional email correspondence from On The Other Hand. Don’t worry: we will never share your email with any other entity and we will never spam you!

Download the free handout!

Read the other posts in this series:

👉 Preparing yourself for when your child feels SAD about their limb difference
👉 What NOT to say when your child feels SAD about their limb difference
👉 What to say & do when your child feels SAD about their limb difference

© 2026. Laura Faye Clubok, MS, OTR/L, On The Other Hand Therapy. All rights reserved.

The post When your child realizes they have a limb difference appeared first on On The Other Hand.

Most parents are choosy about which books they read to their children, and for good reason! As a parent, you want to choose high quality books that align with and reinforce your values and steer clear of books that teach messages that you prefer to avoid. That’s being a savvy parent! The same is true of the growing library of books for children with limb differences. I encourage you to watch read alouds on YouTube of any books you consider purchasing. 

It is vitally important that children see themselves represented in books. While some children with limb differences are confident, outgoing extroverts, others are shy, studious, and quiet introverts. There can’t be a one-size-fits-all approach to representing children who have different personalities and differences.

In addition, it is important to watch for ableist and “you can do anything” messages. While these can be well-intentioned, they also can lead to pressure to achieve/perform/prove competency. A quick caveat that focusing one’s praise too much on accomplishments can lead to issues such as the Overachiever Trap.

Questions to consider about books for children with limb differences:

• Does the book imply or explicitly state that children with limb differences are required to work extra hard to make up for their difference?
• Are children with limb differences required or encouraged to prove their competence?
• Are children with limb differences portrayed as having a range of feelings? Do the adults and/or peers validate these feelings? For example, is the child allowed to feel sad about not being able to do something or not having the same body parts as everyone else? 
• Are children with limb differences expected to do everything independently and without help, or are they offered appropriate and needed accommodations and support?
• Does the book share ableist messages such as children with limb differences are superheros whose skills surpass those of their peers?
• Put yourself in your child’s shoes; does the story inspire you? Comfort you? Answer your questions? Share a valuable life lesson?

Here are some of the books I recommend:

• Awesomely Emma: A Charley and Emma Story (Charley and Emma Stories Book 2)
• Baking Up a Storm by Jessica Parham
• Different is Awesome by Ryan Hack
• Goldie’s Tasty Tacos (The Able Fables) by Dr. Nicole Julia
• Uniquely Me by Trace Wilson
• What Happened to You? by James Catchpole, Karen George (Illustrator)
• You’re So Amazing! by James Catchpole (Author), Lucy Catchpole (Author), Karen George (Illustrator)

I would love to hear what books resonate for your child. Let me know here.

Learn more

• Access the Free Handouts
• Check out Limb different toys & dolls matter – here’s why
• Follow the Raising a Child with an Upper Limb Difference parenting series on Instagram
• Learn about Bullying Part 1: Understanding Exclusion and Social Systems
• Delve into Upper body strengthening tools for upper limb difference
• Read Understanding Limb Difference Language & Terminology

© 2026. Laura Faye Clubok, MS, OTR/L, On The Other Hand Therapy. All rights reserved.

The post Choosing High Quality Picture Books for Your Child appeared first on On The Other Hand.

Intro
My daughter Brittany was born missing both her hands and part of her arms below the elbow. She has always been independent, but now she faces true independence. As I reflect on her middle school through high school years (ages 13 through 17), I would like to share with you some of the things we have learned, as well as her challenges and triumphs.

Transitioning from Elementary to Middle School
Going from elementary school (K through 6th grades) to middle school (7th and 8th grades) was a major transition for Brittany. Most children are nervous about the new environment both because in middle school they switch classes and they are not familiar with the school’s layout. Brittany’s concerns went beyond that. For the first time in 7 years, she would be entering a school where she would be meeting new kids. We weren’t sure how students would react towards her. Quite frankly, I was more nervous than she was. As she was approaching the end of the elementary school, I began to toughen her up. We talked about how to respond to kids who say unkind things, and we discussed the fact that not all kids’ disabilities can be seen. Fortunately, she did not have any significant negative feedback during those years.

Shortly after school started, I requested a meeting with her teachers, mostly because I didn’t want her teachers to “walk on eggshells.” I wanted them to understand that she was not to be treated “special”, that she would ask for help if needed, and that they could feel free to ask her any question they had on their minds. I emphasized that she would not be insulted or feel awkward by their questions. This meeting helped the teachers to relax and be comfortable around Brittany, and also allowed them to ask me any questions they had.

Tackling Logistics: Carrying Heavy Books
One of the problems Brittany experienced was carrying her books. The books that she had to take home were quite heavy on her back and caused her back pain. Not having hands to hold them in front of her, all the weight was on her back. As a result of the meeting with her teachers, Brittany was given a second set of books to keep home so she would not have to carry them back and forth to school.

As time marched on, Brittany attended various dances the school had, interacted with other students with no problems, and lived life like a “normal” teenager. My only frustration with the school was that they did not place her correctly in math class. Her math grades were excellent, yet she wasn’t placed in Algebra in 8th grade. Since I thought the school knew what they were doing plus Brittany was a little nervous about taking Algebra, I decided not to say anything. BIG MISTAKE!!! As a result, she was bored in her high school math classes. Since she is going to focus on engineering in college, she lost the opportunity to take calculus in high school, which was a set back for her. My advice to all parents is: if you feel your child can do the work, then challenge the school and fight for your child. You don’t realize how much your child’s placement in high school can affect her opportunities in college. Since that time, the same school tried to place my son incorrectly in high school. I challenged his middle school, I won, and my son is doing excellent in high school.

Life Beyond School
Life outside school became more complicated and challenging. Prior to Brittany’s 16th birthday, my husband and I began to teach her to drive. We found that she had no problem securing the steering wheel and moving the stick from park to drive. Soon I was teaching her along with the driving school. Like many parents, my hair got grayer and my foot kept reaching for what I called “the invisible brake” on the passenger’s side. The education portion of driver’s education was no problem – it was the driving portion that could have been a problem. We were very fortunate that the woman who owned the driving school had worked with various students with disabilities and was willing to go out with Brittany to see how she did. We were quite thankful that we gave her driving experience prior to her sessions with her instructor. This experience helped boost Brittany’s confidence, especially since she was nervous driving a different car that did not have the same kind of steering wheel she had. Her steering wheel had multiple bars going from where the horn is to the wheel, allowing Brittany to move the wheel from the inside. The steering wheel in her instructor’s car did not have the same configuration, which made driving a little more difficult. By the time driver’s education was over, Brittany did very well and was ready to take the test. The department of motor vehicles said that she had to go through the handicap division. We were totally opposed to this because they would classify her and try to evaluate her for special devices on the car. She was quite capable of driving without special devices, and we felt that she shouldn’t be restricted to driving with devices. We contacted the owner of the driving school. She then contacted someone she knew at DMV who was able to take Brittany for her test. As a result, she got her license without disability restrictions. My advice to anyone going through this is to make sure that the driving school has worked with kids with disabilities and is supportive of them. If you have that, the owner will go the extra mile for you if you need it.

Another important factor is making sure your child drives everywhere during the time he has his permit. Brittany was much more seasoned than many of her friends. We took her on the highway, the back roads, and anywhere else we had to go. As a result, she was quite comfortable reading signs, going where she needed to go, and even getting lost at times.

Another consideration was the car she had to drive. We put a cover on the steering wheel that had ridges so that it was easier for her to hang onto the wheel. We had to make sure she could reach the ignition, could manipulate the console, reach the radio, and handle her seat belt. Some cars were more of a challenge for her than others.

Taking on Responsibility
Life definitely changed after driving. Brittany was handling money more frequently because she was going out with her friends to restaurants, movies, the shopping mall, and the grocery store. Yes … I did say the grocery store. One of Brittany’s weekly chores was to make out a grocery list and do the grocery shopping. This activity served several purposes. It made her conscious of store prices, taught her a skill that she would be using when living on her own, allowed her to experience challenges at a time when I was able to advise her, and got her out into the public. Her presence in the public was not only beneficial to her, but also to the public. On one occasion, a woman saw her shopping and approached her. She stated that she was so happy to see her and asked Brittany if she could give her a hug. Brittany did not know her, yet she agreed. Brittany didn’t understand at the time what had happened, but I suspect that the woman either had a child or grandchild with a disability and seeing Brittany must have given her the faith that the child was going to be okay. On another occasion, I happened to go with Brittany to the grocery store and noticed that the deli employees and the fish employees were all saying hello to her. When Brittany went to another part of the store, a gentleman from the deli counter told me how amazing Brittany is, and that I should be very proud of her. Our children were given to us for many reasons, some of which, I believe, are to instill faith in others and make people appreciate what they have.

Handling Money
Regarding the handling of money, we found that a man’s bifold wallet was best because it opened wide and was long enough to balance on a counter so that she could flip through the dollars. She never liked handling change, so she would let that drop to the bottom of her purse. I have made other suggestions to her for managing the change, but the bottom of the purse is what worked for her.

Eating Out
When Brittany went with us out to dinner, we always would cut her food. So that she wouldn’t get embarrassed, we would swap plates, cut her food, and then swap the plates again. This worked well when we all went out to dinner as a family, but now that she was becoming independent, she needed to eat independently. Some foods she was able to cut, and she was comfortable asking some friends to cut her food for her. When she was in a situation where she didn’t want friends to do it, she would ask the waiter/waitress to have the food cut prior to it being served. This eliminated any embarrassing situations, and also allowed her to order whatever she wanted without being concerned if she was able to cut it or not.

Money Matters
The next challenge was shopping at the mall. Since I didn’t function well as a bank, I felt that it was time that I set her up with a checking account and ATM card. Although she wasn’t yet 18 years old, I was able to setup a checking account as long as my name appeared jointly with hers. By doing this, I was able to teach her about money management, how to balance a checkbook, how to use the ATM machine, and also how to use the ATM card to make purchases and pump gas. Brittany earned allowance by doing chores at home, money by working over the summer, and she received money from birthdays and holidays. This gave her an opportunity to control her spending and understand the consequences of spending too much. Thanks to the Internet, I was able to login to the bank’s website and observe her spending so that she didn’t get herself into trouble. The only problem she ran into was with our bank’s ATM machine. It wasn’t what we call, “Brittany friendly”, because the slot the card goes into has an indentation where the card must be pushed in and pulled out. She had no trouble pushing it in but couldn’t pull it out. She avoided using that bank’s ATM. However, we did come up with a solution: we attached one of those small black paper clips that fold down over paper. We clipped it onto the card, which allowed her to remove it independently. I also notified the bank, because by law the ATM is supposed to be accessible to all people with disabilities. Brittany’s disability happens to be one they didn’t plan for.

Chores
Along with grocery shopping, Brittany had to alternate setting the table, doing the dishes, emptying the small garbage cans, and doing her laundry. The purpose was to allow her to earn money, which enhanced her money management skills, and for her to learn life skills. Seeing the challenges our children experience at home allows us to assist our children with adapting, correcting mistakes, and recognizing their limitations if there are any. Once children move out, it is difficult for parents to advise, since they aren’t there to witness. For example, teaching Brittany to do laundry before she went to school was challenging; she had trouble reaching the clothes at the bottom of the top-load washer. She would have to get a step stool and then put her head in the washer to grab the clothes. I am sure there are devices she could use to get the clothes out, but this worked for her. It also taught her – and us – that a front-loading washer is more practical. Handling the front-loading dryer was no problem.

Emptying the garbage cans was also difficult, because she had to put the entire garbage can into the waste bag. She was unable to hold the bag with one hand while emptying with the other. Again, this was another life skill that she had to figure out.

To help with the dishes, Brittany had to work the sponge to clean them in the sink so that she could put them in the dishwasher, and then she had to stand on chairs to put them away when the load was clean. Once again, she did it her way and got them cleaned. If the dishes that didn’t go in the dishwasher weren’t cleaned well enough, she would have to do it again with me watching so I could determine where she was having the problem.

Summing Up
Much has happened during this time period and we all learned a lot. I share all of this with you to reinforce the importance of communicating with teachers, fighting for your children, and teaching your children valuable life skills before they leave home. Leaving home is a major transition and will provide many challenges. The fewer new challenges that they have to deal with, and the more things they are familiar with, the easier the transition will be for them. As far as the parents … nothing is easy when your child leaves home and nothing can prepare you for it. So enjoy having them home, because before you know it, you will be walking in my shoes.

Contacting Me
If anyone is interested in speaking with me directly, I can be reached in the evenings at 203 925-0446 or via email at LKTofinchio@aol.com. Brittany and I have had 18 plus years of challenges in our lives, and we wouldn’t change a thing! We would be happy to assist you in whatever way we can. My best to all of you.

The post Teenage Years appeared first on On The Other Hand.