Teaching Children How to Ask About Limb Differences

Background
Before asking people about their differences …
Education is the key
Unkind/intrusive/demanding questions & statements
Invade privacy
Cause shame
Create a power difference
Questions often aren’t meant to be hurtful
Courteous/curious/kind/respectful questions & statements
Create connection
Encourage learning
Maintain peer equality
“No” is a complete answer
Their voice, their choice
Recommended reading
Questions to discuss with your child as you read
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Background

A parent recently asked me and other adults with upper limb differences: “Is there ever going to be a time when my child won’t be asked, ‘What happened to your hand/foot?’”

One of the unexpected bright spots of the COVID shutdowns for me was that for almost 3 years, no one asked me about my hand! Although I didn’t go to new places for much of that time, I did meet many people on Zoom, where I was able to choose whether and when to disclose my hand to others. It was the first time in my life that I got to control when people found out about my hand – and it was incredibly freeing!

Returning to the parent’s question from above – unfortunately, no, in real life we don’t get a break from the questions. But during the time when no one was asking about my hand difference, I pondered what I wish people knew before they asked. While we can’t control how people ask us about our limb differences, we can raise awareness in our communities about how we experience these questions.

Please share this blog post with anyone whom you think would benefit – friends, relatives, practitioners, etc. (keeping the original formatting and attribution)

Before asking people about their differences …

It’s important to teach children who do not have visible differences or disabilities and are old enough to understand that getting to get to know people first before asking personal questions is polite and respectful. People with limb differences are people just like everyone else; they do mostly the same things as everyone else, sometimes just in a different way or with different tools.

Education is the key

Children need to be taught how to ask questions and connect with people who have differences. Reading books about limb differences with your child can be a good first step. See below for some book recommendations.

So let’s dive into discussing two different kinds of questions and comments and their impacts on the person hearing them:

Unkind/intrusive/demanding
Courteous/curious/kind/respectful

Parents: most times, I really don’t mind answering questions from your children. But please after they have asked the same question 5+ times now would be a good time for you to kindly intervene and continue the learning/conversation at home
Gabriella Sanchez, parent of a child with a limb difference, @gab_riella25

Unkind/intrusive/demanding questions & comments

Children and adults sometimes ask questions and make comments that are unkind, intrusive, or demanding – and they can be difficult for a child with a difference or disability to hear. Like many other people with congenital limb differences, I have been asked all of the questions below (about hands) over my lifetime – some by children and some by adults. Let’s delve into these further.

Unkind/intrusive/demanding questions and comments have three consequences for children with limb differences, even if the person asking or commenting doesn’t mean to be hurtful:

invade privacy
cause shame
create a power difference

Invade privacy

Intrusive questions & comments put the person with a limb difference on the spot. For example,

did someone cut off your fingers?
is your foot messed up too?
your mother must have taken drugs when she was pregnant with you!

Cause shame

The person with a limb difference may feel deficient and embarrassed about their body when asked unkind questions or comments. For example,

hey you! you have no fingers/hand
your foot is so weird!
what’s wrong with you/your arm/your hand/your foot/your leg?

Create a power difference

The person with a limb difference may feel inferior, less than, or small when others make demanding questions and comments. For example,

let me see your hand/leg (said while the person grabs the different hand or leg)
you’ll never learn to ride a bicycle!

Questions often aren’t meant to be hurtful

Many children are curious but don’t know how to ask kind questions. For example,

kids can be impulsive and say the first thing that enters their mind
other children may script from video games or cartoons they watch

Courteous/curious/kind/respectful questions & comments

Children and adults should learn to ask questions and make comments that are courteous, curious, kind, and respectful because they:

create connection
encourage learning
maintain peer equality

Here’s how to do that.

Create connection

The asker speaks to the child with a limb difference with warm curiosity. For example,

would you like to play together?
wow, your arm/leg is really cool!
do you like to … play games, ice skate, bake cookies, watch movies?

Encourage learning

The asker wants to learn how the child lives with their limb difference. For example,

does your hand/leg hurt?
have you ever … done the monkey bars or gone on an amusement park ride?
how do you jump with your prosthesis?

Maintain peer equality

The asker interacts with the child with a limb difference as an equal. For example,

is it ok if I hold your hand?
could you please show me how you … ride a bike, tie your shoelaces?
would you like help with that?

“No” is a complete answer

The person with a limb difference needs agency to say “no” to questions because…

they may not feel like talking about their difference at that moment
they likely have answered the same questions many times
it’s not their job to educate all the time

Their voice, their choice

The person with a limb difference needs agency to set boundaries on their responses because…

like all children, they probably prefer to keep playing, exploring, creating, etc.
people can search online for information
educating others can be exhausting