What NOT to say when your child is sad about their limb difference

Parental conditioning
Avoid dismissing & minimizing
Avoid fixing, rescuing, & giving advice
Avoid “you’re so strong!”
Avoid unreasonable expectations
Avoid toxic positivity
Avoid cliches & platitudes
Download the free handout
Read more

Parental conditioning

Many of us were conditioned to respond to children in ways that aren’t the best for them. Some of the following responses are less helpful in the moment than using reflective listening and offering empathy. Many of us heard these from our families of origin. Knowing why they can be harmful can empower us.

When children feel sad, it’s common to misuse these “strategies” as an intial response

Avoid dismissing & minimizing

Telling them NOT to feel how they feel is harmful – not helpful. For example: ~~don’t feel sad” – “you can’t be angry!”~~ Even if you don’t mean to, dismissing/minimizing teaches that you are uncomfortable when they have “big feelings” and that “big feelings” are too scary, so best to avoid them.

Avoid fixing, rescuing, & giving advice

Trying to “make it all better” is harmful – not helpful. These “strategies” teach kids that solving a “problem” is more important than taking time to express feelings. Here are some examples:
“But you are beautiful!”
“Icecream will make you feel better!”
“Just do this next time”

Avoid “you’re so strong!”

Telling kids “you’re so strong” doesn’t make them strong, such as: ~~“You’ve got this – you are so strong!”~~
“You’re strong” teaches kids that their feelings are invalid (because if they were truly “strong,” they wouldn’t feel this way)

Avoid unreasonable expectations

Telling them they can do everything is harmful, for example: ~~“You can do anything if you try hard enough”~~
This is because everyone has limits. “You can do everything” teaches them that their limits are their “fault”; parents usually don’t expect “typical” kids to do everything.

Avoid toxic positivity

This isn’t the time to say how great their difference is, such as: ~~“Your nubby is so great: think of all the things you can do with it!”~~ Toxic positivity teaches kids not to share because others will think they are complaining that people don’t want to hear when things are hard.

Avoid cliches & platitudes

Simplistic responses shut down conversations. For example, ~~“Your difference is what makes you amazing”~~ Cliches and platitudes may be comforting to parents, but may invalidate your child’s feelings.