Part 1: Understanding Bullying, Exclusion, and Social Systems

A developmental and occupational therapy perspective

Introduction
Bullying can take many forms
What does and does not count as bullying
Cyberbullying and digital spaces
Why children with visible differences are often targeted
Bullying is not just an individual coping issue
Why self-advocacy alone is not enough
Why adults often miss what is happening
Friendship fit matters
A note to parents
Learn more

Introduction

Bullying does not always look the way we expect it to.

For children with visible differences, including upper limb differences, social harm often exists on a spectrum, from overt teasing or name-calling to subtle exclusion, joking, or story-making that is framed as “funny” or “no big deal.”

Bullying can take many forms

Bullying and social harm can:

Be obvious or very subtle
Come from strangers or close friends
Happen multiple times in close succession or unfold slowly over time

For many children, the most painful experiences are not with strangers, but with friends who begin to treat them differently. This may happen when:

A peer wants to fit into a new social group
A child tests social power by aligning with peers who bully others
Differences between children become more noticeable with age

Teasing or exclusion that comes from someone a child trusted can feel confusing and deeply hurtful, especially when dismissed as “joking.”

What does and does not count as bullying

Bullying is typically defined as a repeated pattern of behavior that is intended to harm, exclude, intimidate, or humiliate, and that involves a real or perceived power imbalance.

This may include:

Repeated teasing or mocking
Ongoing exclusion
Name-calling or threats
Targeting a visible difference

Not all unkind behavior meets this definition. A single hurtful comment, a misunderstanding, or a conflict between friends, while still painful, is not necessarily bullying.

That said, one-time incidents still deserve attention, especially when they involve a child’s body, disability, or identity. What matters most is watching for patterns over time and how the experience is affecting the child.

Cyberbullying and digital spaces

For many children and teens, bullying does not stop at the school door. Cyberbullying can include:

Hurtful messages or comments
Group chats used to exclude or mock
Sharing images, videos, or private information
Ongoing harassment through social media or gaming platforms

Because cyberbullying often happens privately, children may hesitate to tell adults, especially if they fear losing access to devices or social connection. Parents can support by:

Keeping communication open about online spaces without immediate punishment
Treating online harm with the same seriousness as in-person harm
Documenting patterns (screenshots, dates) if intervention becomes necessary
Involving school staff when online behavior intersects with school relationships

As with in-person bullying, greater focus should be on patterns and impact than on isolated moments. Visit Part 2: Practical Guidance for Parents for cyberbullying resources.

Why children with visible differences are often targeted

Noticing differences is a typical part of children’s development. Problems arise when curiosity is not guided by adults and turns into repeated comments, teasing, or exclusion.

Importantly, the issue is how differences are handled within the social environment, not the child’s body.

When children are not supported in learning how to engage respectfully with difference, harm can occur even without malicious intent.

Bullying is not just an individual coping issue

Bullying is often framed as something a child should learn to handle on their own. This framing misses a critical truth:

Bullying is not just an individual coping issue. It is a systems issue that requires different responses depending on the child’s age, capacity, and environment.

Expecting a child to self-advocate in an environment that does not support them places too much responsibility on the child and too little on the system around them.

Why self-advocacy alone is not enough

Self-advocacy is a skill that develops over time. Younger children, in particular:

May speak up and still be ignored
May be mocked for asserting boundaries
May lack the social power to change peer behavior

This does not mean self-advocacy is unimportant. It means adult support remains essential, especially in childhood.

Why adults often miss what is happening

Bullying and exclusion often:

Happen when adults are not present
Are hidden behind humor or charm
Appear inconsistent or hard to “prove”

Children who engage in bullying may behave very differently around adults, which can make children who are targeted feel doubted or unsupported.

Friendship fit matters

Learning to notice how someone treats you and how you feel in their presence are lifelong skills.

Not every peer or peer group will be a good fit, and recognizing that a relationship is no longer supportive does not represent social failure. It reflects growing social-emotional awareness and self-respect.

Children benefit when adults reinforce that:

Being included should not require tolerating repeated unkindness
Friendship quality matters more than social status or convenience
Moving toward healthier relationships is a strength, not a loss

This framing helps children understand that social change is part of development, not a reflection of their worth.

A note to parents

Many parents reading this may recognize situations that have already happened or patterns they wish they had understood earlier. These dynamics are rarely explained to families in advance, and most parents are doing the best they can with the information they have at the time. Wherever you are in your journey, it is never too late to reflect, adjust, and support your child in ways that foster safety, confidence, and belonging.

Learn more

In Part 2: Practical Guidance for Parents we will explore what parents can actually do: how to talk with their child, when to step in, and how to support social and emotional well-being over time.

Posted in Limb Difference, Reflections