When social-emotional issues cause SADNESS for your child

In this post, we delve into potential social-emotional causes of your child’s sadness about their upper limb difference. If you haven’t read the previous posts in this series about responding to your child when they are sad about their difference, you can access them below.

Here we continue with the genius empathetic parenting strategy of asking your child: “Do you want to be hugged, heard, or helped?” from Jancee Dunn’s NYTimes column When Someone You Love Is Upset, Ask This One Question, published 4/7/2023. We explore how to respond to your child when they choose “helped.” If you have determined that your child’s sadness mostly about physical issues, stay tuned for the next post!

Before you Respond

A reminder to stop, breathe, and take a moment before responding to your child’s expression of sadness. For us as parents, seeing our children feel sad can be very painful. We typically want to fix it and make it all better, sometimes by putting a positive spin on the situation. In order to truly listen to our children and offer them empathy, we often need first to give ourselves empathy by acknowledging our own feelings, recognizing that it hard for us as parents to hear when our children feel sad. It also can be helpful to take perspective: it’s 100% normal for your child to feel this way.

Self Awareness

If your child’s sadness is about the fact that they were born with or acquired a limb difference, you can straightforwardly ask your child: “do you have questions about your limb difference?” Explaining with facts can be helpful:

  • if congenital, explain that their limb didn’t grow before birth
  • if acquired (the result of an accident/medical condition), use child-friendly words to convey what happened

Self-Concept

If your child asks the “why” question – “why” this limb difference happened to them – it’s ok to say that you don’t know why they were born this way or had an accident. Many people of faith tell their children “this is how God made you.” 

Community Connections

Role models are important for everyone, even more so for those of us who don’t regularly see others with differences like ours. One of the most incredible and impactful developments of the past decades is the proliferation of ways to connect with the limb difference and limb loss community, whether through social media, camps and family weekends, children’s picture books, podcasts, etc. Depending on your child’s limb difference, finding a child or adult with your child’s exact or a similar difference could potentially be challenging. But there are many thousands of individuals across the globe living with limb difference and limb loss. Ask your child:

  • “Would you like to meet other people like you?” 
  • “What would you talk about with someone with an arm/leg like yours?”
  • “What would you want to do with them?”

Peer Interactions: choosing wisely

As parents, we understandably want our (all of our) children to be surrounded by the love and kindness that we give them and that they both need and deserve to flourish. We also understandably may be terrified that they will be bullied or targeted because of their limb difference, which they obviously did nothing to deserve nor chose. In fact, the number one question of parents of children with limb differences at the various community events I have attended over many years concerns how to protect them from bullying and meanness.

It’s important to teach our children to choose the people whom they like, with whom they click, who are kind, and who make them feel good about themselves. Of course, not everyone is going to be friends with your child. It can be tricky to share this fact, but this is true regardless of having a limb difference or being limb typical. Reminding them that there are many reasons children become friends can be helpful, such as shared interests, similar perspectives or values, or compatible personality traits. It also can be beneficial to share that if they do not develop a close connection with a peer, it may have nothing to do with their difference.

Sometimes children seek acceptance from peers who are unkind and unwelcoming. As a parent, you can steer your child towards making good friends by telling them about the dynamics you have observed in their interactions. For example, you might share that while you have noticed that Peter frequently has said unkind words about their difference, you have heard their friend Jenny being kind to them on several occasions.

Finally, it is important to be mindful of how welcomed your child feels in various environments, such as school, extracurriculars, religious settings, or gatherings with extended family. While you certainly don’t want to cater everything to your child all the time (and nor would it be good for them if you were to do that!), getting a sense of whether particular environments or teams are welcoming vs. unwelcoming or value inclusivity vs. do not value inclusivity is important.

Self-Advocacy

As parents and caregivers, we can help our children choose and identify healthy outlets for their feelings. You can ask your child: “what makes you feel better when you’re sad?” Some children color, cook, dance, draw, jump, make videos, role play, run, see a friend, take photos, write stories, etc.

You may also ask them: “Is there something else you can do to help yourself?” or “Is there something else someone could help you with?”

Problem-Solving

After they have identified what they or someone else might do to help them with the current situation, you can encourage agency by asking your child: “What do you want to do next? Do you want to pursue one of the options you brainstormed?” Problem-solving and self-advocacy are key life skills! Your ongoing support can empower your child to pursue what they need.

Mental Health Support

Sometimes our children need outside help and support from a qualified mental health professional. It is not a reflection on your parenting or your relationship with your child if they reach a time or point when they feel more comfortable talking with an outside provider. You can ask your child if it might be helpful for them to talk about what they’re going through with someone who has special training. The easiest place to start might be your child’s school, as many schools have a counselor. But if you have health insurance that covers counseling, that also might be a good option, as it may provide more privacy for your child.

Read the other posts in this series:

©2024. Laura Faye Clubok, MS, OTR/L, On The Other Hand Therapy

Posted in ,